To Pull A Hanyou Out Of A Hat
by Wheezambu
Summary: Just a oneshot. Kagome takes Inuyasha to see a magician's show, but it doesn't go well at all.


**A/N: Just a little humor, written for iyficcontest on livejournal. This week's theme was Magic. **

"This is stupid," Inuyasha hissed. "Why did you make me come here?"

Kagome sighed deeply and counted to ten. She was just trying to give them both a break, a little distraction from all the hardship on the other side of the well. It had seemed like a good idea.

"Just be quiet," she murmured, glancing around to see if he'd drawn attention to himself. The other patrons of the small theater seemed oblivious, happily chatting among themselves. "The show will start soon, I promise."

Inuyasha grunted and slouched lower into his seat. Nervously, he fidgeted with the baseball cap that covered his ears. When Kagome had asked him to go with her, he'd thought it was for something important. Now he was vastly uncomfortable, his nose twitching at the strange human smells around him. That and the hat made his ears itch, not to mention these strange human clothes she'd forced him to wear.

To blend in better, she'd insisted he wear clothing from her time. The dark blue trousers were too tight, he was used to having more air around his legs even if he did approve of this tough material she called denim. The short-sleeved shirt left him feeling exposed with every hair on his arms standing at attention. But it did seem to help him blend in, the only comments he'd overheard so far were regarding the length and color of his hair.

"I'm hungry," he said petulantly, picking at the armrest with his claws. There, he'd gone and opened a hole in the worn upholstery, poking his finger right through it. Kagome glared at him as if she'd like to give him a good sit, but she slapped his hand instead.

"I'll take you for ramen afterwards," she said. "Come on, Inuyasha. Please be patient, you'll like this. It's a magic show, it's supposed to be fun."

Magic show? He snorted, only acquainted with the kind of magic that was no fun at all. Then he perked up, glancing around him with interest.

"Will there be demons to kill?" he asked hopefully. Maybe that was why she'd asked him to come with her. If there was a possibility of danger, he was all over it. No way would any demon have a chance, he'd slice them into pieces before they could even think of…

"No, it's not the kind of magic," the girl said, annoyance making her voice sound waspish. "I told you, it's for fun. It's just illusions, Inuyasha. There's not going to be any demons to slay, you could have left the sword at home."

The hell he would! Inuyasha grumbled to himself, gripping the sheathed blade tightly. He'd rather walk around naked than leave Tessaiga out of reach. She hadn't been able to convince him to do that. Just like she hadn't been able to make him wear shoes.

The human who guarded this place, Kagome had called him an usher, had given his sword and his bare feet disapproving looks. Aware that Kagome was holding her breath, he hadn't hit the guy when he'd said something. He'd growled menacingly just the same, pleased when the human paled slightly and passed them inside without further comment.

Coward, he thought smugly. If there was ramen later, he supposed he could humor Kagome this one time. If he didn't die of boredom before this damn show of hers could start.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our show," a voice broke in overhead. Inuyasha jumped, gripping Tessaiga tighter as he searched for the source of such a loud voice. Must be one big bastard, he didn't know where to look…

Kagome's elbow dug painfully into his ribs and he subsided with a soft growl. Then the lights dimmed slightly and the curtain went up. The humans around him started to applaud and Inuyasha had to force himself to stay in his seat. A dark, crowded room, full of weird sounds and smells, he just didn't like this one bit.

"Calm down," Kagome whispered, touching his hand with her own. He relaxed a bit as her fingers wrapped around his and stayed there. This wasn't so bad; he kind of liked the way it felt to have her holding his hand. And in the dark, he didn't have to put up a front saying he didn't like it. Maybe this magic was going to be fun after all.

The man on the stage started to do strange things, making birds and flowers appear out of thin air. Inuyasha stared hard at him, trying to figure out the trick. He had to be hiding them somewhere, but when the man poured milk into his tall hat, then tapped it with a wand to produce a rabbit, he honestly didn't know what to think.

"Is this for real?" he whispered urgently. "That hat would come in handy, Kagome. You wouldn't have to carry that backpack if you only had a hat!"

She shushed him, not taking her eyes from the stage. "Keep watching, it gets better," Kagome said, a little smile in her voice. Just as she'd thought, Inuyasha was intrigued by the slight-of-hand illusions. Certainly it was a trick, but magic could be good for more than casting evil spells. Maybe a gentler side of such things would be a good influence on the wary hanyou.

A tall cabinet had been wheeled on the stage by a pretty woman and Inuyasha sat up straighter, his mouth gaping open like a fish. It wasn't the cabinet that held his interest. It was the woman; she glittered in the lights, the shiny parts of her almost not-there costume dazzling his eyes. Her breasts bounced happily, hardly kept under control by the bits of shimmering fabric.

"She's practically naked!" he exclaimed loudly.

Kagome covered her face with sudden embarrassment. "Be quiet, Inuyasha," she said furiously. "Quit staring!"

"I gotta stare," he said, his attention rapt on the pretty assistant. "Kagome, she's begging to be stared at, is this allowed?"

"Yes," she hissed, her anger distracting him from all that glittering flesh. Kagome's nails dug into his hand painfully. "It's allowed, it's part of the act!"

"I have to tell Miroku about this," he mumbled, blushing bright red. Now this kind of magic he liked. He could tell that Kagome didn't like it as much, or she didn't like that he liked it, or maybe she was just upset that her clothing wasn't so shiny.

"Could you get clothes like that?"

She pinched him really hard and he had to smother a yelp. "Do…you…want me to say it?" Kagome asked in a dangerous voice.

He didn't and restrained himself from commenting that if Kagome wore the same outfit, more of her would be covered because her breasts weren't so wonderfully huge like this woman's. Yes, if he said that, she would sit him so hard he'd probably never move again.

"Now for our next trick, we will need the assistance of one of our audience members," the tall man said as the woman continued to pose and preen beside the cabinet. "Would one of you pretty young ladies like to volunteer?"

There was a general tittering of the females in the audience, but Inuyasha scarcely noticed. He was still trying to figure out how that woman's clothing stayed on, as there seemed to be nothing holding it together, when Kagome suddenly yanked her hand out of his. He had been gripping it rather tightly.

"Yes, you! Thank you, miss, please come up to the stage."

Kagome flushed and then paled slightly. "I…I didn't mean," she said, realizing that when she'd pulled her hand away, the magician had thought she was volunteering.

"Don't be shy," the man said in a cajoling tone. "I assure, there's nothing to be frightened of!"

Too embarrassed to refuse, the girl slowly made her way to the stage. Under the lights, she couldn't even see Inuyasha and silently prayed that he'd just stay in his seat. Then her gaze turned to the smiling assistant and Kagome tossed her hair over her shoulder defiantly. Inuyasha probably wouldn't move, he was too busy staring at those huge boobs.

As the magician led her to the cabinet, he leaned close to whisper in her ear. "As soon as the door closes, you can slip out the back of the magic cabinet," he murmured. "Just slide behind the curtain and wait for my signal, young lady."

She nodded and stepped into the cabinet. Kagome found she was smiling, if nothing else, Inuyasha would be baffled by the trick, and maybe he'd even stop leering at the pretty woman. As the door slid shut, Kagome felt for the catch at the back, slipped out of the box and behind the curtain. She smiled into her hand, thinking of Inuyasha's astonishment when she disappeared…then reappeared again.

Just like magic!

"Now I tap the box three times with my wand," the magician said, his voice resonating with showmanship, "and hey, presto! Our young lady has disappeared!"

The crowd applauded as the assistant opened the cabinet door, displaying only empty space. The magician bowed with a dramatic sweep of his cape. "Thank you," he said, flourishing his wand. "Now next I will…"

"Kagome!"

There was an audible gasp from the audience as a wild looking young man charged the stage, his face a mask of fury. A huge glowing sword hung from his hand as he jumped over three rows of onlookers to land hard in the middle of the stage, cracking the varnished wood.

"Where's Kagome?" he demanded, swinging the sword around violently. The assistant shrieked and ran off, barely dodging the fang-like blade. Inuyasha seized the magician by his collar, shaking him like a rag.

"You bring back Kagome, you bastard!"

The magician gurgled something intelligible, he really couldn't speak at all since the crazy fool was strangling him with his own cape. The audience had started to panic, climbing over themselves in a frantic rush for the door.

"Someone call the police!"

"There's a nut with a sword, he's going to kill someone!"

Furious, Inuyasha threw the man on the floor, turning to vent his anger on the damned box that had stolen his Kagome. He just knew it, there was no kind of magic that was good, it was all evil! Maybe this box worked like the well and she was somewhere on the other side. He had to find her now!

"Kagome!" he shouted at the empty cabinet. "I'm coming for you!" Then he crashed into the box, sword and all, and it broke apart around him. Shaking off splinters, his baseball cap fell to the floor and Inuyasha snarled in rage. The man was trying to crawl away from him, but now that the box was shattered, there was no way to find Kagome.

"You bastard!" he swore, raising Tessaiga for a killing strike. "I'll make you pay for this!"

"Sit!"

Inuyasha slammed face down, hitting the stage floor so hard that he went right through it. His chin hit the cement of the building's foundation and in a haze of pain he felt overwhelming relief that Kagome, obviously, had returned.

"Today in downtown Tokyo, a magician's show was interrupted when…"

Click. "An unknown man wielding a huge sword caused a disturbance…"

Click. "Damages were estimated to be very expensive, police are still searching for the perpetrator of this bizarre attack and…"

Disgusted, Kagome shut of the television and glowered at her very contrite hanyou. "Well, I hope you're happy," she said trenchantly. "You just had to make an ass of yourself, didn't you?"

"I'm sorry," Inuyasha mumbled. She'd taken away his Tessaiga and locked it in her closet. That really hurt, as did her anger. He didn't know it was just a trick. He'd really thought some foul monster had kidnapped her. Upon learning the truth, he was mortally embarrassed and wished there was some magic that would just make him disappear rather than face Kagome now.

"You're lucky you aren't in jail," she muttered. As soon as she'd sat the living daylights out of him, Kagome had managed the drag the woozy hanyou out the back of the theater. They'd been damned lucky they hadn't been caught; damned lucky that Inuyasha had recovered quickly enough to run them back to the safety of the shrine.

As it was, she was too embarrassed to tell her mother and hoped that Mama wasn't planning on watching the news tonight. It would probably be for the best if they just went back down the well…and stayed there…for a while. She wasn't going to let him have his sword back until then. Maybe.

"I'm really sorry," Inuyasha said, his voice less gruff and more pitiful than she'd ever heard it. "I didn't know you were just on the other side of the curtain. I thought you might be gone forever."

Sighing, she realized she had to forgive him. It was partially her fault anyway, he couldn't be expected to understand that magic in her world was all about illusion and had nothing to do with evil monsters. Kagome reached out and brushed his hair away from his eyes. His mouth was still swollen from where he'd bitten himself, crashing down through the stage like that.

"I suppose it's okay," she said, blushing slightly when his eyes lit up. "You really were worried about me, weren't you, Inuyasha?"

"Well, yeah," he said, sounding more like himself. "You always do stupid things, getting yourself in trouble all the time."

Her smile twitched and Kagome's eyes narrowed slightly. Then she took a deep breath and told herself she wouldn't sit him this time. She got up and grabbed her backpack as she headed for the door with him at her heels. So he'd really been worried, what else could she have expected?

"Hey, Kagome," Inuyasha said, his voice soft again as they headed for the well. "Can I ask you something?"

"I suppose," she answered. Already well on her way to forgiving him, she just couldn't help it when he seemed so sincere. "What did you want to know?

"Could you get me a picture of that girl with the glittery clothes?" he asked excitedly. "I want to show Miroku, he's never going to believe how huge those tits of hers were!"

A few hours later, after he'd recovered from the second biggest sit of the week, Inuyasha realized that there were all kinds of magic in the world. Illusions like Shippou's kitsune tricks and wicked spells cast by the likes of Naraku. Evil magic hurt people, but innocent magic was just for fun.

Unfortunately, there seemed to be no magic in the world that would ever help him learn when to keep his mouth shut. And that would have been the most useful magic of them all.


End file.
